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I Want to Author Labels for Everyday Products

If you remember the hippy medicine I took a while back, you know that I'm no stranger to odd labels.  When I scanned that label, I definitely raised an eye brow.  I think I may have recently topped that, though.  I can only imagine the moxy that would be required to come up with the labels on the items below.  I want in, I tell you.

The first thing that made me think this was a trail mix snack from the vending machine.  I normally try to away from the vending machine, but on this day, I was particularly hungry and I needed an extra snack.  Part of the reason why I stay away from the vending machine is that most of the options aren't exactly healthy.  So when I do cave in and plop down a dollar for an item, I usually aim for something that's not going to clog my arteries (much).

Luckily for me, the little items have these little labels of a green leaf to indicate which items are healthy/good for you.  Scanning through the green-leafed items, I spotted some trail mix.  It wasn't any more expensive than the other items, and I figured it'd be a decent option.  I headed back to my desk, and started munching away as I got to work.

I wasn't paying too much attention, but after a couple of mouthfuls, I suddenly realized that I was biting into M&M's.  Really?  They can keep items healthy and still throw M&M's into the bag?  On a whim, I flipped over the wrapper/bag to look up the nutrition facts (side note: very clever, guys, put the nutrition facts on the part of the wrapper likely to be torn when opening); 160g out of a total of 280g were from fat.  Now I'm no expert on the good fats versus the bad fats versus the lipids we like and what not, but that seems just a tad excessive.  Maybe there is some crazy diet out there where this is exactly what you want, but all I know is that for my metabolism, that is not a good thing.  And yet, this stuff is "healthy."  Simply amazing, I tell you; they've discovered trail mix that can simultaneously fatten you up and make you healthier. 

As incredulous as I was when I flipped over that label, I found that was nothing compared to the last time I cleaned my toilet.  I needed something to clean the toilet bowl, so I rummaged through the closet where we keep cleaning supplies.  I found a bottle, and inspected it to make sure it was what I needed.  Skimming through the instructions, I found a line in bold that said this particular brand of toilet bowl cleaner "kill[ed] the HIV (AIDS virus)."  I'm sorry, come again?

Now, they tell you that if you ingest these cleaners, you can end up dead.  It's also no accident that they tell you to wear gloves when working with these types of cleaners.  The stuff is meant to be a heavy-duty cleaner; I wouldn't be surprised if it just did ridiculous damage on the cellular level, regardless of what you put in front of it.  Heck, in open air, it probably kills the virus for the common cold, polio, and a bunch of other things you've heard of before, too.  But no, they went with, "this toilet bowl cleaner can kill the AIDS virus."  Who dreams this stuff up?  Whoever you are, I commend you for your combination of creativity, brashness, and the-hell-with-it-I'm-going-to-sell-this-however-I-can-ness.

The story actually gets a tiny bit better, because the fine print says something like, "kills the virus in a pre-cleaned environment."  Pre-cleaned?  So it's only guaranteed to work if you spray some *other* heavy duty cleaners on it first?  Just beautiful.

Anyhow, from these two labels, we can draw the following conclusions (morals of the story, if you will):
  • Labels can be a great source of comedy
  • Toilet bowl cleaner is magical stuff, it has properties you have probably never even dreamed of
  • Coming up with the contents for these labels sounds like fun.  If you're offered an opportunity to do so, don't turn it down.

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