The other day, I got a call from a telemarketer. I politely listened to the lady, and then asked her to remove me from her list. Maybe it helped, and maybe it didn't. All I know is that all in all, it was a courteous transaction, so I had no real qualms with the exchange. As soon as I got off the phone, though, I realized that this lady got off easy. You see, my brother has something of a penchant for messing with those folks. He figures that if somebody is going to bother him and waste his time, he's allowed to mess with them.
Sometimes, it's a very simple ruse. He will simply engage the person is as lengthy a conversation as possible without letting the telemarketer achiever his goal. When he use this tactic, he is super polite, but he engages the person as much as possible. He will frequently ask how that person is doing, ask about the weather, or otherwise make small talk. The real point is to just keep that person talking for a while. It's an eye for an eye, really; you waste my time, I waste yours.
The punchline for all of this, however, comes when the telemarketer remembers to try to actually market something. By now, several minutes have passed, so this call has gone on longer than average. So, the telemarketer has started to suspect he might make a sale. Secondly, any mental defenses have probably evaporated by this point. People hang up on telemarketers all the time, so they brace themselves for an abrupt act of rudeness. After a few minutes, though? They're back to being normal human beings on the phone.
However, this is when my brother conveniently remembers that the head of the household is no longer home, he is not of legal age, or he is otherwise incapable of helping the telemarketer. You can almost feel a palpable let down on the other end of the phone.
Other times, my brother will just do something flat out ridiculous in order to mess with a salesman-type person. Once, he had a kid knock on his door to try to sell him a newspaper subscription. I'm not even sure I could do the conversation justice, so let me present you with a slightly paraphrased transcript:
Kid: "Hello, I'm selling newspaper subscriptions, can I interest you in ... "
Brother: "Sorry, no thanks. I don't read."
Kid: "Oh, don't worry, we have something for everyone. You can ... "
Brother: "No, you don't understand. I can't read."
Kid: "You ... can't read?"
Brother: "Yup, I'm illiterate."
Kid: "Um, um, uh .... "
As my brother later explained, the kid really didn't know how to react to this particular possibility. He was completely flustered at this point. However, my brother could no longer keep a straight face by this point, so the kid caught on. Knowing that he wasn't going to make a sale, the kid simply erupted in laughter. I'm not sure that he really had much other recourse, to be honest.
Truth be told, the illiterate ruse was pretty good, and in most cases, I would have called that his shining moment in toying with salesmen. However, this was not to be. My brother had one more ace up his sleeve. This time, he was dealing with an adult telemarketer. Again, I present you with a rough transcript of the conversation:
Telemarketer: "Hello, I'm calling from [newspaper]. Can I interest you in a subscription?"
Brother: "No, thanks. I don't read the paper."
Telemarketer: "You don't? So how do you know what's going on in the world?"
Brother: "MTV News."
Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, what? MTV News?"
Brother: "Yup, at 8 past and 38 past every hour."
Telemarketer: "Um ... Um ... okay then. Thanks for your time."
You could almost see the wheels turning in the telemarketer's head as he pondered how to react to his situation. Did someone actually rely on MTV to get his daily news? Was there some way that he could convince my brother to give up on his trusty MTV for his news fix?
In the end, the telemarketer gave up, defeated. There just wasn't any logical response to the scenario that my brother had laid out. Quite simply, my brother won. In the meantime, the rest of us had a hilarious story. Every last person who has heard of this particular exploit has smiled or laughed at my brother's antics. Now THAT is a crowning jewel for his telemarketer shenanigans.
So, like I was saying, the person who I talked to got off easy. I most certainly would've been tempted to hand the phone to my brother had he been around.
Sometimes, it's a very simple ruse. He will simply engage the person is as lengthy a conversation as possible without letting the telemarketer achiever his goal. When he use this tactic, he is super polite, but he engages the person as much as possible. He will frequently ask how that person is doing, ask about the weather, or otherwise make small talk. The real point is to just keep that person talking for a while. It's an eye for an eye, really; you waste my time, I waste yours.
The punchline for all of this, however, comes when the telemarketer remembers to try to actually market something. By now, several minutes have passed, so this call has gone on longer than average. So, the telemarketer has started to suspect he might make a sale. Secondly, any mental defenses have probably evaporated by this point. People hang up on telemarketers all the time, so they brace themselves for an abrupt act of rudeness. After a few minutes, though? They're back to being normal human beings on the phone.
However, this is when my brother conveniently remembers that the head of the household is no longer home, he is not of legal age, or he is otherwise incapable of helping the telemarketer. You can almost feel a palpable let down on the other end of the phone.
Other times, my brother will just do something flat out ridiculous in order to mess with a salesman-type person. Once, he had a kid knock on his door to try to sell him a newspaper subscription. I'm not even sure I could do the conversation justice, so let me present you with a slightly paraphrased transcript:
Kid: "Hello, I'm selling newspaper subscriptions, can I interest you in ... "
Brother: "Sorry, no thanks. I don't read."
Kid: "Oh, don't worry, we have something for everyone. You can ... "
Brother: "No, you don't understand. I can't read."
Kid: "You ... can't read?"
Brother: "Yup, I'm illiterate."
Kid: "Um, um, uh .... "
As my brother later explained, the kid really didn't know how to react to this particular possibility. He was completely flustered at this point. However, my brother could no longer keep a straight face by this point, so the kid caught on. Knowing that he wasn't going to make a sale, the kid simply erupted in laughter. I'm not sure that he really had much other recourse, to be honest.
Truth be told, the illiterate ruse was pretty good, and in most cases, I would have called that his shining moment in toying with salesmen. However, this was not to be. My brother had one more ace up his sleeve. This time, he was dealing with an adult telemarketer. Again, I present you with a rough transcript of the conversation:
Telemarketer: "Hello, I'm calling from [newspaper]. Can I interest you in a subscription?"
Brother: "No, thanks. I don't read the paper."
Telemarketer: "You don't? So how do you know what's going on in the world?"
Brother: "MTV News."
Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, what? MTV News?"
Brother: "Yup, at 8 past and 38 past every hour."
Telemarketer: "Um ... Um ... okay then. Thanks for your time."
You could almost see the wheels turning in the telemarketer's head as he pondered how to react to his situation. Did someone actually rely on MTV to get his daily news? Was there some way that he could convince my brother to give up on his trusty MTV for his news fix?
In the end, the telemarketer gave up, defeated. There just wasn't any logical response to the scenario that my brother had laid out. Quite simply, my brother won. In the meantime, the rest of us had a hilarious story. Every last person who has heard of this particular exploit has smiled or laughed at my brother's antics. Now THAT is a crowning jewel for his telemarketer shenanigans.
So, like I was saying, the person who I talked to got off easy. I most certainly would've been tempted to hand the phone to my brother had he been around.
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