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A Monologue Of Sorts: The Salad

Salad and I have a funny history. For a good chunk of my youth, I didn't really eat any. I didn't believe it was a true form of food. Sure, it was served to you if you went out to eat, but it was neither filling nor satisfying to me. So I would usually avoid it when presented as an option.

That stance has since changed, especially since the cafeteria at work sells some hearty salads that I enjoy. The initial preference for some other food item is still there, but I can have a salad for lunch and be okay with that. I still prefer that the salad have some heft to it, though, so I always throw in eggs and meat of some sort when given the option. Or as a friend once told me, I like "manly" salads (side note: a different friend claimed that baby spinach and portobello mushrooms made her salad "womanly," so there's gender parity with the salads).

Anyhow, I was recently at the cafeteria buying lunch when I had an "encounter" with one of my favorite salads. I'm not sure I can do the experience justice, so instead, I'll just give a transcript of sorts of the thoughts that went through my head. It's not quite a stream of consciousness approach, but it's fairly close. Just trust me on this one, I think it'll make more sense this way:

My Brain: "Hm, long line today, I wonder if a big meeting just got out or something"
My Brain: "Oh wait, looks like there's a new person today. That explains it"
* 30 seconds later *
Me (out loud): "Hey, can I get the [salad] to go? No meat, but everything else, please"
My Brain: "Heh, you can tell he's new, he's taking longer than usual to put together the salad"
My Brain: "Heh, yup, definitely new, he's giving me more of the toppings than anyone else would. Sweet, more food for me."
Me (out loud): "Thanks, have a good day"
* 30 seconds later *
My Brain: "Wow, this thing really has some heft to it. This is awesome, it's my lucky day."
* 30 seconds later *
My Brain: "All right, time to eat. Heh, I got a big salad. Still happy about this."
* 5 minutes later *
My Brain: "Wow, I've been eating for a while, and it looks like I haven't touched my food. Dude really did give the farm away today. Best salad ever."
* 5 minutes later *
My Brain: "Ha! Now it actually looks like I've eaten some of my food. That looks like I'm down to maybe two thirds of a normal sized portion."
* 30 seconds later *
My Brain: "Hm, I wonder if maybe that's actually too much food. Nah, no way"
* 2 minutes later *
My Brain: "Hm, so maybe, it just might be too much food."
My Brain: "No way, suck it up, pansy. You've eaten way more than that before, you can finish this. Besides, extra salad! Be happy."
* 5 minutes later *
My Brain: "Okay, down to the last fourth or so. This is doable, I'm still in decent shape"
* 30 seconds later *
My Brain: "Dude, this is way more salad than I thought. I'm actually starting to feel full. I've got a fighting chance, though"
Me (out loud): "Hmm ..... "
* 2 minutes later *
My Brain: "All right! Down to like 3 bites left. This is getting finished. Take that, salad!"
* 5 seconds later *
My Brain: "You know, I bet you this'd make an interesting blog post" (I'll leave it to you to decide)
* 90 seconds later *
My Brain: "Last bite. Phew, glad it's almost over"
* 15 seconds later *
My Brain: "Victory, victory! I did it, I'm awesome!"
My Brain: "Yeah, definitely full. Sure hope that doesn't happen again."

See, salad and I have an interesting relationship. After this latest bout, I'm not going to look at salads quite the same way any more. Also, I think I should be glad that people can't hear my thoughts. It gets interesting in there sometimes (and my consciousness may just very well work a little bit like this guy's).
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