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I Suck at GoodBye

No, not that kind of goodbye. I don't think I've had to leave people or kick them out of my life often enough for that to really be a concern of mine. Though for the record, the most memorable version involved someone playing "Leaving on a Jet Plane" and then pointing at me.

No, I'm talking about the actual, mundane task of saying something to someone as we part ways at the end of an outing. See, I'm never quite sure to say. I have enough of a grasp of basic manners that I know I have to wish someone a good night or wish them a safe journey, but it gets tricky. Often times, there's also a physical touch, usually a hug or a handshake, that can throw off the cadence of the whole experience (good bye before the hug? After? One apiece?). It's an ordeal, I'm telling you.

Let's start with the words, though. Knowing that I am prone to screw this process up, I usually just stick to the basics. If I know the person is leaving on a trip, say, I'll wish them a safe journey. If we're parting ways after a night out, I tell them to have a good evening and I'll see them when we inevitably cross paths again. I do actually care about the people I'm conversing with, so it's a pretty easy connection to make. The person on the other end of the conversation responds ... and then it's a wild, wild west. Some folks add in another comment or respond with an unrelated version of a farewell, and I'm never quite sure to say. Maybe it's just best if I give an example:

Me: "It's been fun, as always. Have a g'night"
Friend: "Really good seeing you again"
Me: "Yup, agreed. So, um, g'night"

You see what I mean? It's not like I'm not responding to the conversation or otherwise not paying attention, but I get slightly confused at the very end. Am I supposed to say goodbye in another form (e.g., "Yup, agreed. Drive safe.")? Is repeating okay? Should I have two good byes ready to keep my options open? Now, I could just simplify this by saying something like "me, too" at the end:

Me: "All right, it's time to call it a night. Be safe."
Friend: "Thanks. I had fun."
Me: "Likewise, we'll have to do this again."

Pretty straight forward, and it bridges that gap nicely, right? The problem with the this plan, though, is that I get into the habit of repeating the "me too" even when it's not entirely appropriate.Heck, in general, having a ready response for anything is a great recipe for sounding odd when just the right prompt comes along. Let's try that again:

Me: "Good seeing you again, let me know when you want to do this again"
Friend: "Definitely. Say hi to [mutual acquaintances] for me"
Me: "You too, er, will do"

See, it's prone to awkward exchanges at the end. Ultimately, it's a decent plan with a fatal flaw. So, it's back to the drawing board.

I need to think more quickly on my feet, dammit. That would solve everything. Then I could have three different versions of good bye, a joke, and the appropriate gesture (people don't salute each other enough) all at my disposal. I'd be like the king of good byes. People would want to hang out with me just so that they could say good bye to me. It'd be glorious, I tell you.

Until that day comes, though, don't be surprised if I stutter-step just a tad when saying good bye. It's more of an adventure than you might think.
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