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Mind in the Gutter

I'm not sure that there's a better way to describe it, but I have weird conversations sometimes. It's not that I intentionally go looking to spout off nonsense, but I am generally willing to play along. So when people say odd things, I don't shut down the conversation right then and there. If there's a joke to be made somewhere in that process, odds are that I'll at least consider it. Basically, I'm no stranger to an oddball sentence or two.

Even so, I have to watch myself. Sometimes, there are things that can be read in the wrong way, with borderline ridiculous results. I don't mean "results" as in someone might get offended; no, I mean "results" as in someone might get arrested. What's even crazier is that it's never my fault. I may be all for cracking jokes, but I'd prefer not to have run-ins with people like the police.

Luckily, it doesn't happen often. Still, there are three examples that readily come to mind:
  • Me: "You need anything? I can pick it up on the way home"
    Friend: "I'm thinking drugs"

    This was the infamous Australia incident, and I'm guessing a few of you reading already know this story. For those who don't, my friend and I were traveling for work, and she got sick. She went home early to rest up, and I texted her to see if she needed me to grab something for her illness. She meant that she wanted some sort of cold medicine, of course. But you try explaining that to an Immigrations officer when you first arrive in a country. The officer took my phone and my laptop to the back room, and finally emerged after 20 minutes of scrutiny. Luckily nothing happened (the whole conversation about sickness was there), but she is not allowed to use the word "drugs" in a text message to me anymore.
  • Me: "Well, if you need a crash course, I can give you a quick tutorial"
    Friend: "Sam, you know that you and I can't do anything fast"
    Friend: "Heh, *wink face*"

    This was someone at work who I happen to work with fairly regularly. She is both good at what she does and she also works with many of my customers. So, we tend to have lengthy discussions about work-related stuff, because she'll have long lists of feedback or suggestions. Given what we both do, it's not really all that surprising.

    The fairly innocent thought that she was trying to convey was: "heh, that's not going to be a short conversation." However, she realized that her instant message could be taken the wrong way, and she laughed about it. It was completely unintentional, but I'll admit that it was funny.

    Of course, she's still a woman and I'm still a man, and we spend a lot of time talking to each other. If someone (read: HR) so chose, they could interpret that very, very differently. Let's just say that I decided that not responding to that comment was the best course of action.
  • Me: "Don't think I'll ever want to be in a position where I can hire people"
    Friend: "Nah, you'll probably be a boss before me. Besides, I just want a comfy position under you. *wink face*"
    Friend: "Um, um, um ... "

    This entry also falls under the "fun with work IM" category. All I said was that I didn't want to be in charge of other people. People have problems, and I have enough problems to deal with as it is. Thanks, but no.

    I didn't even have a chance to react. Right after my comment, I had a potential sexual harassment suit on my hands. I actually contend that if it weren't for the hemming and hawing, this would have been fine. Heck, if I hadn't lumped this in with the other two entries, you probably would've glossed right over the double entendre (except for those of you with dirty minds). But no, she did the verbal equivalent of jumping up and down, waving her arms to draw attention, and then pointing at the potentially questionable piece of conversation.

    This one also earned a non-comment from me.
I'm telling you, I was completely innocent in all of this. I was having very civil conversations with these people, and I got blind-sided by attempts to get me arrested. Short of not talking to anyone, I'm not sure what steps I can take to prevent this from happening again. All I know is that I'm going to be very, very wary of smiley faces from now on.
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